i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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