I am in a vortex of obligation.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
