When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
