Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
