So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
