Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
