i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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