not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
