You smell like stripper and shame
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
