I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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