Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
