Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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