He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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