For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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