This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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