I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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