Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
