"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
