He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
