I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You need Xanax blowdarts
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
