I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
