Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
