I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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