I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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