turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
