a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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