I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
