he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
