I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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