I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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