I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
