he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
