He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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