my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
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Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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