fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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