I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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