Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
