I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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