someone get that fucking seahorse.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
