My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
