"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
