Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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