I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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