Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
