I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
