at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
