I saw his package. It spoke to me.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
