The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
