I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
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Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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