Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
a search helicopter?!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
