My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
