I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
