i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
