A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
