I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
