If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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