I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
