hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
